Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
