video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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