she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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