dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
