he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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