You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
