Swine flu. Run for my life!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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