I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
