You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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