Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
