i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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