So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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