if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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