you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize