Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
