I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
