Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
