Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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