I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
