My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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