I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
