I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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