Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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