please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
