i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
