is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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