I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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