omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
