Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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