k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
mondays should just be called national damage control day
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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