i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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