I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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