and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
