I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
