you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
