i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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