you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Can I color on your dick again?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
