Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You've changed since you got that strap on
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
