Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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