I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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