She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
