I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
