You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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