I need help removing her.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
BRING THE BAGELS
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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