The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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