life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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