Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
