i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
