Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
