I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
