ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
