I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize