How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Four minutes until I can fart!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize