She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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