she takes plan B like it's going out of style
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
