I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
