Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
