I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
