so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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