So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
