My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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