it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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