Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
